Raising Maine

I don't have any children in prison, but I have three sons and the thought has crossed my mind that what if they are sentto prison for something? I think of all the mothers out there who are separated from their children in this way and I can imagine that it muct be incredibly painful, even if your son might be getting the help he needs in the long run. I hope other people respond to your post, Mrs. Labrador. It's important.

What you say about him coming home and not having friends to support him is very important. He will need to have new friends who will support him. I hope he can find a support group to help him. And I hope you can find a support group for you also. He is very lucky to have you to support him in his recovery. Good luck!

I know of two mothers who have or have had a son in prison. The one who is out stayed out and became a source of inspiration. He did so because of, you guessed it, MOM and family. The one who is in I only know of through a dear friend of a friend. I cannot even imagine your level of pain or how you manage day to day existence. Take care of yourself.

I worked as a public defender and know about the pain that incarceration causes the entire family. People can make HUGE strides in their lives if they have support --your son has you, so I'm willing to bet that your unconditional love will VERY much help him stay on the right track. Best to you!

Mrs. Labrador, my heart goes out to both you and your son and I truly hope other moms in similar situations will post. This summer, I spent an afternoon with an old friend whom I hadn't seen in several years. She went on to tell me the true hardships she and her family have endured in her son being arrested for making bad choice which led to him being in the wrong place at the wrong time. She shared what it is like to visit her son in prison, see how he is treated (or mistreated), and to deal with neighbors and family. I wish she live nearby as I know you'd find a common bond with this woman. I AM surprised that there doesn't seem to be a built-in support group for families as there are groups for everything else and you would think that everyone would recognize that positive support of the families, as well as education, is key to helping your child to transition back into society and "real life." Please try and keep us updated on how things are going...

Thank you all for your kind words. I am struggling with what the father of my children is constanly accusing me of. Fortunately, he has been in prison for a year or so but,this is his 6 or 7th time in prison for drugs. He is forever telling my child that I am the one who is responsible for him(my child) being in jail. This man is so duranged it is not funny. He has an extreme sense of paranoia. I wish I never had anything to do with this loser. I wish I had listend to my mother. It was found out years later after our bust in 89, that it was my mother who had tipped off the police in 1988 to get us arrested. So given that,he thinks I have done the same to our child. I wish my children knew this idiot for what he really is. My ex beleives that he is being slowly killed by the jail officials because, an inmate at the prison with him,was taken to the infirmary and given a shot and in two days the guy was dead. Then the day after this guy passes away,my ex is taken to the infirmary and given a shot too. He does not say what the shot was even for,just that he is being killed by the jail officials. I can honestly say that I wish he was dead. He thinks it is only he that gets short changed at meal time because they are trying to starve him to death.He also feels like becuase he is the only one to not get mail on a certain day that theyhave taken his mail to get back at him and******him off. He thinks that because he has a draft in his cell that the jail is trying get him sick and kill him. He thinks that because he is given no soap on any given day that they want him to contract a disease and die.This person has caused more problems for himself and others, by not seeking help for his mental issues. I guess one must first admit they have issues before they can get the help they so desperatley need. He beleives that any time he does seek help for a physical issue at the jail,that all the info he gives to them, is actually a conspiracy against him. He feels that anything he says to an official is held against him and is being used to, in his words,"get me". This is stuff he has written to my daughter. He was refused contact of any kind with my son and accused me of having told the jail to not let them converse,( I really did not want my son to be able to communicate with this loser dirtbag but,I had no power to make that happen) . He did not realize that it's against the rules to allow inmates to contact with each other from different jails. He still tells my daughter that he is not her father and that his best friend is actually the father. Some best friend, huh? I always thought that it was the cocaine that made him sooo paranoid but,after being in jail and having no drugs,he continually has these delusions. He cannot be told that he needs help because the anyone that suggests that ,is working with the police to "get him". When I was in the hospital having my son 20 years ago,my ex was sleeping in a motel room with a 16 year old girl. When I arrived home from the hospital,after giving birth to our child,I found a rose on my bed with card to this young girl. Why did I stay with him? For the drugs fo course, I started doing them right after I got out of the hospital. If not for the drugs,I had no use for this man that abused me soo much,(both physically and mentally). I have been pushed out of a moving vehicle,set on fire,shot at,punched,hit with a bat and still I stayed. Drugs make one weak. I will never forgive myself for having these drug issues too. I feel like I will forever be trying to make up to my children for allowing this person to be their father. I wish I had been stronger than I was and never ever gotten involved with him. Life is full of lessons,some just learn them the hard way. I am happy to say that my drugging days have been over with for a long time and I have tried to move on without letting him put fear into me like he has in the past. I have been working hard to make a good life for my children adn myself. I guess you can say I learned my lesson the hard way but,I learned. I remarried in 95 and have been with the best hard working,good role model of a guy since and he loves my children and wants nothing but the best for them. He is a great role model. He works and pays the bills,does no drugs and treats us great. He and I have argued 3 times in almost 20 years so, I guess that says alot. My ex has recently been given the opportunity to write to my son from another jail in the state. He is telling our son that he has me to thank for all that has happened to him.What a loser. Instead of taking our child to get a real job,he took him into the woods and taught him how to grow marijuana. And then, he has the nerve to tell me ,after my son was arrested,"I told him he needed to get a real job". What a freakin dirtbag, in my book. Granted I may not have been the best Mom at times with my own addictions but,I never put my child at risk for prosecution by getting them to deal drugs for me. My child had always seen their father with a pocket full of hundred dollar bills without having a real job. I have weighed what is important to me in my life with all the bad that I had done and found that life is too precious to risk losing it all.Iam scared to death that my child will have a child and be exposed to this nonsense with him. How can I get him away from our children. How can I get my children to understand just how sick this man is? In less than 2 weeks he will be out of prison and we will see just how much of an effect jail had on him. Im betting it had no effect, due to the fact thathe has always said "I can do 10 yrs. standing on my head" if I had to. This person who calls himself a father is no where near being father. He is so sick and he will not get the help he needs so desperatley. How do I get this person to stop trying to influence my son? Sad to say but,I will be so happy when this person is dead. It will be no great loss even for my children, he has never done anything positive for them. The man actually had his cousin call me(his cousin did 25 yrs. for murder) and threaten me and try to get me to say "yes, I did turn my child and his father in" and confirm his suspicions. I put nothing past him.I am convinced he will try to do somehting when he gets oput of jail. After all the threatening letters to me from him while in jail,I contacted the jail and asked them to not allow him to send anything to this address. So since I've doen that,he is more convinced than ever that he needs to get back at me. He was told that I will put a protection order on him when he gets out and I have not done so. A restraining order will not stop him. He has always said,"I don't care if I go to prison,I've survived it before so, I'll slit your freaking throat, you *****. And because he had set my house on fire before,I do not doubt that he would try that again. So because I have not gone through with the restraining order,he likely feels that he has put enough fear in me to not do so and thinks himslef more controlling than ever. I told my daughter that I am giving him one chance to not threaten me or anyone in my famliy,and if he does so,I will get the restraining order he he will go back to prison. I feel like if that happens,he will kill me and feel he has nothing to lose. I long for the day that my children will see him for the loser he really is. How do I tell my son that he and his father are nothing alike when they have both been to prison.Them both serving time in prison is ALL they have in common. I worry so much about my son's future with this idiot trying to influence him. I hope my comment is not too hard to follow. I also wish I had none of these issues and all is well but,I know better. I know the day is going to come when I'll have to just get the restraining order and have to deal with the idiot again in court. Wish me luck!

After reading your posts Mrs_Lab. it's clear to see that you have made some positive changes in your life, and that is a lot to be proud of, you realized that drugging is nothing but a dead end in so many ways. First thing you need to do is get a restraining order. No chances for this guy. It doesn't sound like he will wake up one morning with any common sense about setting his life straight. You need to protect yourself with the law, even if it isn't a perfect system. Then you need to convey to your son that it's important that he understands that HE is the one who is totally responsible for his actions and his future, not you, not his dad, not anyone but himself. You are there for morale support, but you are not responsible for his actions, HE is. If he listens and allows his father to brain-wash him into thinking that his bad choices are someone else's fault, then he will never rise above it. I would ask him if he wants the life of his dad, because that kind of thinking will deliver it. There are millions of people that grew up in very bad situations, and overcame horrific odds and they wasted no energy on self pitty but used that energy for success. It is possible for your son to make good choices, he's still young and he has a mother that loves him. My heart goes out to you and your family. It's not an easy road, but it is attainable.